guilty dinner

My kitchen table is cluttered with the artifacts of my life - Mandarin books, painting supplies, imported chocolate, the days wages in pink Chairman Mao-graced bills, a deck of Yaoji playing cards, an address book.

And dirtied dishes from a hurried lunch, that might have been washed had I hot water in my kitchen.

Amidst the disarray, I set my dinner on the table one bowl at a time, before heading back to the kitchen for the next.

With nowhere to set my chopsticks and for the sake of time, I drive my chopsticks vertically into the rice, headlong, in the very way that someone in China never should.

vertical chopsticks: a big no-no

Standing one’s chopsticks vertically into their rice bowl conjures up images of the long sticks of incense that are burned at the wake of a loved one who has just passed away.

Standing one’s chopsticks vertically into a rice bowl is akin to smearing the name of a loved one.

In the West, it is impolite to play with one’s silverware; in the East it means dishonor.

A foreigner, fresh off the plane and ignorant of local ways, may be forgiven by locals, but will never be understood and will hardly be forgotten.

In my haste to delve into my steaming hot dinner, I thrust the bamboo chopsticks into my rice bowl and head back to the kitchen for the rest. I have done so not out of intentional disrespect, for truthfully, there is no one else within these walls to dishonor.

On this night, I eat alone, in a closed apartment on a quiet residential street of the capital city, with only the hum of an aged Hitachi R-176H refrigerator to keep me company.

I dine alone and so, have only this guilt to share.

the dinner

Sear the Anaheim Peppers: seared and succulent

ingredients: Sear the Anaheim Peppers
oil
garlic
dark soy
black malt vinegar
salt

Smash the Cucumbers: crunchy, savory, fresh

Ingredients: smash the cucumbers

2 asian cucumbers
6 cloves garlic
salt
roasted sesame oil
black malt vinegar

winter melon soup: soothing and refreshing

ingredients: winter melon soup

oil
garlic
sichuan peppercorn
vegetable bouillon
winter melon
salt
water
cilantro